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Anger

Emily Jacob

It was a rubbish night’s sleep. I mostly just dozed. Really, these meds are weird, sometimes they send me to sleep, sometimes they don’t touch it. The ache in my legs was heavy and the dreams were unsettled. Long story short, not a lot of sleep.

That didn’t mean I got up early and got on with the day. I’d need a whole personality bypass for that to happen. I dozed. I wanted more sleep. And, also, I didn’t want to get up and do what’s on my list, even though not doing it (and distracting myself by writing this) will just cause more stress and distress.

GDPR, it’s not fun or motivating or going to add any value to my business which is stagnating and going stale. Yet, I have to get it done, as it’ll be done late (I know it’s not May 25th yet, but I won’t have time to get it done in the pockets of time I have, and the spoons I have to do stuff in those pockets). And I know it won’t be the end of the world because if the ICO does decide to come after me, I’m sure they won’t want the PR of putting a newly diagnosed MS sufferer whose business is helping rape survivors heal out of business. But, I have good girl code written through my DNA, the very idea of not complying in time for the law to take effect is not sitting comfortably with me. I’m not against GDPR, I think it’s great for the consumer, and I’m a consumer too. But I am EXTREMELY ANGRY¬† that I need to spend time doing it, and it’s not a 5 minute task, or even a 5 hour task, and looking at it all right now it feels like it’s going to be a hugely mountainous task and I feel the overwhelm rise, and that makes me angry.

But the anger isn’t about GDPR. It isn’t even about the fucking stupidly dense OK Cupid man who is upset that I haven’t been emailing him back and asked me if I’d prefer to meet up. I said no. He said, why do you think that is? So I told him to read my fucking profile. (I was actually far more polite and detailed than that). Seriously, why would somebody not realise that meeting someone you haven’t met before might be a big deal if you were raped when you met someone you hadn’t met before? Recognising that the anger with this one is most definitely related to the triggers of old and being ok with the fact that strong emotions can be triggered still is one thing, not being angry at the whole thing is another. I’m angry at him, I’m angry that I have to try to go on dates, I’m angry I’m single, I’m angry that ten years ago everything got fucked up.

And I’m angry I can’t see properly. Everything is blurred. It’s like I’m looking through glasses which are smeared. Telling myself it’s just because the gabapentin dose is higher now, and it needs to settle, it’ll go away, it’s not another symptom. Knowing it could be. Knowing even if it is just the meds it might not settle. I’m angry that I can’t trust anything in my body. I’m angry I have lots of great things planned coming up for my birthday, and I’m angry I’m seeing them all as endurance feats that I have to try to traverse without incident, without just crying on my friends’ shoulders, without using up spoons that would mean I have to sleep and rest and take more pain meds, and not get this blasted GDPR stuff done, or have energy to keep the job-job at a performance level that means I don’t get fired.

Angry.

Well, I started this as a strategy to get out the anger. I think it’s worked. Calmer now. More tearful though. So, there’s that.

#magicalMySterytour

Thank you for reading xx